"I cannot find a way to describe it ... "

As Jennifer Schecter says: "I feel the demons haunting me". And it seems that I can't handle it, no matter how hard I try. I guess I just fucked up. And still nothing seems to go right, despite all my efforts. May be that's my destiny - to live in loneliness. I have to hide my feelings, 'cause no one understands them. I actually don't expect anyone to understand, 'cause it's me, who doesn't really know what's happening and why. Every single minute I get more and more confused and I just don't know what to do. All this pain, it's just killing me from inside with no hope for survival. And ... I feel cold ... I'm trembling ... it's so cold out there, especially when there's no one to hug you, when you're freezing, when you're so lost inside. "I hide behind a smile", but that won't save me, anyway. And if someone dares to look into my eyes he/she will find just one thing - emptiness.

I've hurt so many people who loved me and I guess my life now is kinda punishment for all my sins. But there's nothing I wouldn't do to expiate them. Yesterday my mother told me that in all my life I have felt love for only one person. She may be right, 'cause, yes, I really have felt so deep love for this person that I got lost in it ... I guess ... And now, THE person (for whom I'm going to use the "it" form, instead of "him" or "her") is quite about to leave, causing me to lose it for a second time. But despite knowing that this person loves somebody else, thinks of somebody else all the time, has somebody else's face painted on its heart, wakes up with the thought of somebody else, wants somebody else, my feelings about it are still so strong and that's one of the things I can't really understand. Guess I'm an idiot. And if everybody claims that I'm not able to feel love, why is all that happening then? Why does my heart begin to flutter, causing every single cell of my body to tremble every time I hear its name, everytime I smell its parfume, everytime I hear it, calling my name, every time I feel its touch in my dreams? Why does it hurt so much when this person passes past me, acting like never knowing me? Why on earth do I get so happy only when this particular person hugs me? And why do my eyes fill with tears now? So many questions, but no answers. The sky is so clear, but why aren't there any stars? May be 'cause I don't deserve it. But I'm still in such a terrible need of this person. I really need to step up, but how, when it's all inside me.

I'm so tired of laughter through tears, of crying alone 'till "4 in the morning", of spoilt make up at 1.00 AM and a smile of the type "Everybody's fool". I just need my medicine and I need it badly ...